Whoever is reading this I hope you have had a good Christmas break so far. I haven’t written anything on here for a few months, I will get into that in a moment. I had my TMA back a few weeks ago and considering I am finding the module hard work I am also finding the subject of ITIL and IT Management extremely boring – I think I can say on behalf of most of the students in the WhatsApp group I am in that this is the worst and most boring module I have done. For most, if not all of us we need to do this module as part of our BSc.
I am pleased, however, that I got a good score on my TMA of 86%. I was shocked if I’m honest, I didn’t really understand a lot of the ITIL terms that we had to use but apparently I used them correctly. My tutor is a nice woman, she has given me some good feedback on where I could have improved. So all in all I am happy with the result, TMA 2 isn’t due until March but it is worth double that of TMA 1 and 3. I have had a quick read of it and it does look daunting. Block 2 is about databases and SQL which I am hoping will be interesting. I have completed the introduction and part one. I am on Christmas break now but I may do some tomorrow (if I can motivate myself!).
Sorry, this is going to be a long one!
On a more personal note, I have been unwell mentally over the last few months so much so, that for the first time ever I had to be put on antidepressants and I was signed off work for 4 weeks, I suffer from anxiety and depression, usually, I can control it and pull my self out but for some reason, I have not been able to do that. I had to make the decision to call the doctor and she prescribed Sertraline, Of course, the pills made me feel worse and after the first 2 weeks I tried to go back part-time I managed to do the Wednesday – Friday and I had to come in on the weekend only for 2 hours each day which I did. The following Monday I had a bad morning when I woke up – my heart was racing and I was feeling very sick and my legs were turning to jelly. I managed to get to work but I was still feeling unwell and nauseous I was trying to keep myself busy but I kept getting the feelings of dread and panic every time I stopped for a few minutes. I locked my self in the bathroom at work and managed to break my zip on my trousers, I used that as an excuse to pop home and get another pair. I was planning on coming back, but when I got home the thought of leaving the house again was too much to bear. My boss rang me and I said that I was going to come back but I just couldn’t do it. I felt as if I was going to pass out or vomit or indeed both if I even went outside the house. I sent a message to my boss and told him that I won’t be back and I rang the doctor again and they signed me off for another two weeks. of course, this is 2 weeks before Christmas and so I am now on SSP.
Leading up to Christmas I thought I was getting better so on the second week of my second sick leave I decided to try and go to work part-time on the following Tuesday because it would only be Tuesday to Thursday then it would be Christmas day then I was on holiday the following week anyway. I was feeling fine when I went to bed on Monday night and I was feeling fine when I woke up, but something just switched on in my head and I started feeling anxious and sick and all the usual things I feel when I am about to have a panic attack. I managed to get on my bike and I started to cycle down the road. I pulled over and sent a message to my partner Richard and told him that I can’t do this and that I am going to cycle around for a bit and try and clear my head and head home. but after I did all that I started to feel fine again so I rode to work – still feeling fine I spoke to my boss and then I went into my office and started to do my work. then over the course of two hours, the anxious feeling was coming and going constantly and I was unable to concentrate on my work. my boss walked in and I was feeling dreadful and I starting crying I just couldn’t help myself I ended up going home and the following day I said to Richard that I was not going to go in for the rest of the week. I was finding that I do not want to get out of bed in the morning – I really have to force myself. I went downstairs and just stayed on the sofa not wanting to do anything and I was feeling rather tearful. I ended up crying again on Richard’s shoulder and he said that I need to talk to someone, he had to go shopping and I went upstairs and searched the internet of who I could talk to just to get what I am feeling out of my head. I came across the Samaritans website and I had their number on my phone for about 30 minutes before I rang them due to the fact that I would have to admit fully to myself that I have a problem and so it then becomes very real. I have always thought that the Samaritans were for people who are on the verge of suicide, of course, this is not the case – they are there to listen to anyone who feels that they can not cope with the strains of life. I rang them and spoke to a nice woman I was on the phone with her for 50 minutes and I spoke about everything I could think of and how I was feeling she was very supportive and helpful and at that moment I started to feel better.
I was still having a few wobbly moments and I had to lock myself away in my bedroom until I calmed down.
My mum was involved in a hit and run accident a few weeks earlier she is ok but a quite a few broken bones so we decided that we would go to Surrey and spend Christmas with my family. I was looking forward to it but at the same time dreading it as I knew that I was still getting anxious about leaving the house. but of course, Surrey ended up in tier 4 due to Corona, so we had to spend it here instead, again it was a weird feeling because I was glad that we can spend it at home and upset that I was not going to see my family. Christmas eve arrived and we were just going to have a few drinks and play some games, but I had another anxiety attack and ended up staying upstairs for about 40 mins, When I came down I suggested if we can just watch a movie instead, after the movie we had a couple of drinks and I started to loosen up and we played a few games and then went in the hot tub.
On Christmas day I got up at about 10 am, had a shower, etc.. and felt fine. As soon as we were about to open the presents I had another bout of anxiety and had to calm myself down again. Christmas day ended up being really good fun – we did drink a lot as well but I think it is what I needed to do just so I can relax and enjoy myself. And before you think of it – I am not going to self-medicate with alcohol lol.
I know I have been rambling on but if anyone is reading this and they experience anxiety and depression – just know that you are not alone and you can speak to people I can not recommend the Samaritans enough, for me it does help to talk to a stranger than to a friend or family member. I have also joined a Facebook group for people with anxiety and it seems to be a good place to go to just let out what you are feeling https://www.facebook.com/groups/lancashire.cumbria.anxiety
Stay safe everyone and hope you all have a good new year xx